Why is every other guy on Tinder called Colin?

Okay so I know you are all very aware of my single status and won’t be surprised to know that I am currently using ‘tinder’ as a source to find my potential husband. However, after spending only a couple of weeks on the app I can’t help but feel that I am slowly losing all hope that any normal men actually exist out there….

I thought I would give you all a little debrief of my tinder experience so far, in the hope that someone else has had their soul destroyed by this hideously addictive app.

My initial concern was choosing the most appropriate photos for my profile. I obviously wanted to make sure that I looked appealing to my budding suitors, but didn’t come across as a vain selfie fanatic (I fucking hate the word ‘selfie’ by the way). I then thought that I should probably put in a full body shot so viewers knew what they were getting into if they ever met me, alongside a one of me looking active and outdoorsy. You then get put in a situation where you look like you love yourself because you have too many photos - I mean what is the optimum number really? 3? 4? You know if you put 1 it just isn’t going to cut the mustard.

So I settled on a couple of nice shots, one with a group of friends (mainly so they knew I actually had some) and one of me in New Zealand to make me look cultured and reassure them that I had in fact left the OX12 postcode.

Now I am going to be honest with you all and I am aware this makes me sound like an utter floozy (whore), but the first 3 men that came onto my radar were either ex boyfriends or I had already had ‘relations’ with them. This was shortly followed by the brother of an ex boyfriend, a good friend and my best friend’s ex boyfriend. Not doing so well Thompson, keep swiping.

I’m not going to lie, the initial thrill of being ‘matched’ with a hottie was a fantastic ego boost and did wonders for my self esteem. However this was fairly short lived and when the match screen failed to appear for the fifth time in a row by heart began to sink. Friends suggested expanding the distance of my search and therefore widening my chances of finding ‘the one’. I was happy to push out an extra 10-20k, but any further and I would be travelling back up to fucking Preston knowing my luck,

Matches were made and a few ‘Hey, how are you’s?’ were sent but all to no avail. I then began to receive some messages that even I deemed to be inappropriate (and that says a lot….)

James: Anal??? Yey or nah?

Me: Is the answer going to be a deal breaker?

James: No, I love you anyway.

James: ?????

It was a short relationships but I will still remember it for weeks to come.

Taf: Do you believe in dragons?

Me: No…is this a test?

Taf: Well you will once I’ve finished dragon my balls on your face

Me: What would you have done if I’d said yes?

Taf: That’s good, you won’t be surprised to see my balls dragon across your face then

At least he had prepared himself for every eventuality.

I was also recently presented with an opportunity to remove a man’s sexy blue knickers and watch him dance for me on skype. I politely declined his offer.

So as you can imagine my patience was beginning to wear thin with tinder. Not only was I not being matched with the men I was genuinely attracted to, but I was also being pied off by the men who I had simply liked because they ‘had a kind face’ or ‘looked like he would treat me well’.

I have also come to the conclusion that men simply do not think about the creation of their profile as much as women. Here are my top 5 profile picture pet peeves:

1. One blurry picture - this gives me nothing, I have no idea what you look like and I am not about to risk my future by pressing the green heart button on you my friend

2. Putting up pictures with friends who are way hotter than you - I am only tempted to click like just so I can ask if your mates are single

3. Putting up 4 pictures of yourself with the same 4 people - WHICH ONE ARE YOU? I NEED CLARITY

4. Pictures of yourself with a hot girl/your ex girlfriend - noone wants to see that. Do you not think I already feel desperate enough? I bet she didn’t sit and eat an entire packed of hobnobs in one sitting.

5. Pouty selfies - It’s bad enough when a girl does it (yes I’m guilty), but when a man does it it makes me want to be a little bit sick in my mouth

So all in all I’m still not sure how I feel about tinder. It’s horribly addictive and I find myself mindlessly swiping left so often that I often accidentally swipe away the good’uns without realising.

Yes it would be wonderful to meet someone without having to stare at a phone and send your friends countless screen shots to gauge whether or not they actually are attractive, but beggars can’t be choosers.

So for the time being I am just going to wait and see what happens. I’m going to scroll endlessly through my pointless list of matches and wait for the one normal guy I have actually been speaking to, to ask me on a date….